Today was so much fun. I feel like I don't get to say that enough. I spent the entire day running around town with my two year old. Typically speaking, ths would be the recipe for emotional breakdown. Hauling around a two year old from store to store, loading and unloading the stroller, strapping in and out of the carseat, you'd think disaster. However, today was different. I'm grateful for day's like today. I try not to let myself get to occupied when things are gong so right. That's why this post will be shorter than normal.
Some days I wake up, and want to go right back to bed. Some days I cry, and have no explanation why. Some days I wish my mom and dad were closer so I could pack an overnight bag and send Madilyn to her Mawmaw or Pawpaws house. Some days I question whether I'm even doing right by her. Some days are downright AWFUL. But, some days just arent... and that's what keeps me going.
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That's what's on the menu for luch today. And, no I will not apologize for it.
I have absolutely nothing against crunchy moms, at one point, I thought I was one. I say more power to you. Paying close attention to every thing that goes into your child's body is actually a lot harder than most pople think. To be truly "organic" a lot of different things have to be taken into consideration. If that is something that you prioritize, I applaud you. But for this mama, just getting my child to eat is an accomplishment in itself. I take what I can get. I do feel guilty at times for not always picking up the healthier option at walmart, but we all know that money doesn't grow on trees. Just to give you an example, a gallon of 2% milk at my local walmart is $3.49. A half gallon of Organic milk is $4.97. The price difference between regular groceries, and the organic versions is no secret. But this is out of our control. So then WHY do moms feel the need to judge, or put down each other? And it goes both ways. I've heard with my own ears a mother say to another, "I would never allow my child to have that." But I've also heard a mom say to another, "I dont waste my money on that organic bullcrap." The thing we need to realize is that, NONE of us have any right to pass judgement on what someone else does, or does not do with their child. KEY WORD: THEIR. Before you judge someone else or beat yourself up over something so silly, ask yourself these 3 questions: 1. Is my child fed? If your answer is yes, than you're a kick ass mama. 2. Is my child happy? If your answer is yes, than you're doing a fine job. 3. Do I do my best? If your answer is yes, than WHAT THE HECK are you worried about. Your best is all you can give. I promise to you one thing, your sweet baby does not care whether you spend $6 or $2 on a gallon of milk. All they care about is whether you put chocolate in it or not ;) Now, as much as I hate to wrap it up here, I have a mess of Mac n Cheese to get out of my kids hair. Have a great day Mamas! The house is quiet, with the exception of my fiances perfectly rhythmic snore. My daughter is sprawled out like a starfish in between her father and me. Yet, I lay in bed with my mind racing night after night. My daughter tells me every day that she loves me. She even recently started telling me I'm her best friend. She's two years old and her perception of me is something I stress myself out over the most. Did I tell her I loved her today? Did I tell her how pretty she was when she came in the living room twirling in her tutu shouting "MAMA LOOK AT ME!" Did I comfort her when she fell and carpet burned her knees? Did she look at me for approval while she was doing something, but I didnt notice because I was occupied on facebook or even typing away on here. Did I let her down?
I KNOW MY DAUGHTER LOVES ME. Yet, I constantly question my own parenting. Why? Did I really forget in the time that she fell asleep, to now, that my sweet angel baby thinks the world of me? I discipline her, and she still comes to me for comfort. She doesn't run away to hide, or to someone else to hold her. She wants me. I know I'm a damn good mom. But, I'm still not perfect. I give my daughter more juice than I'm proud to admit. I cant get her to drink milk for the life of me, so I add strawberry syrup and call it a day. I yell more often than I know I should. One of the worst parts about depression is the anxiety/anger that tags along with it. There are days when I know I went too far. I yelled at her. AT HER. I didnt raise my voice, I didnt speak more sternly. I threw my hand up in anger and began letting it all out. Those are the days when Mommy has to put herself in "time out". I believe all moms at some point, need a time out. Maybe it's just "one of those days" for you. But in my world, those day's happen way too often. Learning when to step away before the out burst happens is something I'm still working on. Despite the mistakes I make, and the doubts that run circles in my mind, I KNOW MY DAUGHTER LOVES ME. I know she feels comfort in my presence as she reaches out for me, when she cant feel me next to her in bed. And even though my illness keeps me awake at night, it's her love that keeps me going day in and day out. Goodnight. Today I started a blog. I woke up this morning with no intent to do so. In fact, I had no intent to do anything other than chase around a pizza covered toddler, and drink coffee in between. When I stumbled down the stairs this morning with my pajamas still on, hair not brushed, eyes barely open, I poured my coffee into my "MRS. RICK GRIMES" mug, and I began thinking, "HOLY CRAP IT'S EARLY!" What? You were expecting something philisophical? Please! It was like 7 AM! I dont start coming up with shit worth saying until I've at least had breakfast.
Anyways, a few hours into my day, and one too many facebook posts saying "If you ignore this, you will have bad luck in 2017." (Come on people, Donald Trump will be president in 2017, I think it's settled either way.) I realized that I have a story to tell. There have been a lot of other moms on facebook, who have related so well to some of the posts I have made, and if there is one thing i know to be true about motherhood, it is that having a great support system makes it a hell of a lot easier. So why stop there? I have a great support system of other moms that I continuously lean on for encourgement, advice, and sometime's just to vent. I know not everyone has someone, so that is what convinced me to do this. I'm not perfect. I don't think I am, and I dont want anyone to think that I am. Please don't for one second believe that I have it all figured out, because TRUST ME, I don't. Somedays I feel like I've got all my ducks in a row, and other days I feel like my ducks got sent through the wood chipper. I AM JUST LIKE YOU. I just want to say to every mom out there who may be feeling an inch from their breaking point, I FEEL YA GIRL. I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! I will make time everyday to open up more to everyone. There is so much we don't know about one another, but perhaps if we tried to understand others, in doing so, we would learn more about who we are as individuals. Maybe we could stop being so hard on ourselves for not being a "better" mom. Maybe we can stop judging other moms for not doing things the way we do, or for doing things "better" than us. Maybe if we were all just a bit more "transparent", we could change the world. Maybe, just maybe. |